The Mommy Wars are what causes us to immediately become defensive when someone critiques or hell, even ASKS us about our parenting choices. You know that feeling. We all do. That little rock that forms in the pit of your stomach when you hear people talking about something, anything, that has to do with parenting. It could be diaper choices, feeding preferences, sleeping arrangements, schooling, discipline...or absolutely anything else that even remotely falls under the parenting umbrella.
When I was a new mom, I tried so hard not to let my anxiety show. I was hanging on by a thread, feeling *mostly* confident in my parenting choices, but postpartum hormones, combined with little sleep can send even the most confident mama to the edge. "Fake it till you make it," became my mantra. I tried to look as confident as possible in my choices and slowly, slowly, I began to feel more confident. Also, my kid began sleeping more and I started drinking more coffee, so really, my new found confidence could be attributed to any one of these things, but I'm going to stick to my original argument.
On the outside, the Mommy Wars seem trivial and petty. A bunch of sanctimommies judging each other and arguing over what they think is the best for babies and kids. Breastfeeding vs. formula. Cloth diapers vs. disposable. Like there's no gray area or middle ground...puh-lease. But I feel like if you look a little deeper, what you're more likely to find (in addition to the douche-canoes) is a bunch of mom's that are really passionate about their children and are just trying to do right by them. I think you'll also find a lot of guilt. And let's be honest, mommy guilt SUCKS. It latches on to all our insecurities and sucks us dry, until we're second guessing even the simplest of decisions. I think that for some women, it's the guilt of past decisions that spurs them to action, whatever that may be. And sometimes that action comes out in a way that is helpful and empowering to other mamas and sometimes it's just the opposite. And what may feel enlightening and wonderful to some mamas, may make others feel like utter crap. Like they just can't get it right. And that is what is so difficult about the Mommy Wars. One person's pep talk is another person's judgmental rant and that may be the same mama at two different times during the same day!! Postpartum hormones can be rough.
Parenting is hard enough without feeling like you're being judged for every.single.thing. What we need to be thinking about instead is how best to be supportive of each other's choices, even if they are different from our own and how we come across when we are trying to be helpful. We need to be gentle with one another. As mamas, we alone know how difficult our job is and we need to be mindful of that. Parenting is not all or nothing, us vs. them. It's a fluid, ever-changing beast of a thing full of backpedaling, crazy gray areas, and things you never, ever thought you'd hear yourself say or do. There is strength in numbers. Instead of infighting, we need to be linking arms and saying, "I love you and I'm here for you."
Our goal as parents is the same. We want our babies to grow up happy, healthy, and well-adjusted so that they can do great things with their lives and put us in a good home when we're old and senile. And that's what we need to remember. We're all on the same path, fighting the same fight. So next time you're feeling a little judgy (no judgement here ladies, I get on my mental soapbox ALL the time), just take a minute to think about what that mama might be going through or what could have led her to where she is right now. Think about how you could be helpful without coming across as the mom who NEVER does anything wrong (HA!). Build that mama up, don't knock her down. You'll both come out a lot better in the end.
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