Motivational Monday: Forgive Yourself

This previous weekend I missed a good friends kiddo's birthday party.  More specifically, I got the date wrong.  It was for twins, so it was double the mistake.  I berated myself for forgetting, and I cried in her ear.  I felt extreme guilt, despite her repeating to me how much of a big deal it WAS NOT.  I felt truly awful, although it was an honest mistake, and pretty minor in the grand scheme of things.  They turned six, and will most likely not remember this birthday.  Even if they do, I'm sure my presence is not what would stick out in their minds (although I am pretty awesome).

I woke up in a funk this morning, after a stressful weekend and the above mentioned oversight.  I desperately scavenged for coffee, and had no clue what my blog post would be about.  As I now sit down to write, I am  readjusting my attitude and reminding myself that I am a human with human flaws.  I will forget things much larger then a birthday party, and that is okay.  I will say the wrong thing, act the wrong way, and make many mistakes as I continue to navigate life.  That means I am living, and learning, and growing.  On this Motivational Monday, I am forgiving myself for the tiny hiccups that happen along the way, because they aren't a big deal!

Today, and everyday, I encourage you all to give yourself a break.  Life is hard, and adulthood is a dirty little bitch, that nobody warned us about!  Forgive yourself for mistakes, make sincere apologies, and move forward with a lesson learned.  

The sun will shine brightly on us this Monday afternoon (if it's gloomy in your area, I apologize, but I am stoked about our spring day!!), and let your soul shine with it!  

Mommy Wars Series: SS Katy

When Lindsay asked me to write a blog post about my experiences with the Mommy Wars, my initial thought was, "What the hell am I going to write about?!" At first glance, I don't feel like I've been greatly effected by the Mommy Wars, but when I looked a little deeper, I realized that, of course they've effected me, whether I realized it or not.

The Mommy Wars are what causes us to immediately become defensive when someone critiques or hell, even ASKS us about our parenting choices. You know that feeling. We all do. That little rock that forms in the pit of your stomach when you hear people talking about something, anything, that has to do with parenting. It could be diaper choices, feeding preferences, sleeping arrangements, schooling, discipline...or absolutely anything else that even remotely falls under the parenting umbrella.

When I was a new mom, I tried so hard not to let my anxiety show. I was hanging on by a thread, feeling *mostly* confident in my parenting choices, but postpartum hormones, combined with little sleep can send even the most confident mama to the edge. "Fake it till you make it," became my mantra. I tried to look as confident as possible in my choices and slowly, slowly, I began to feel more confident. Also, my kid began sleeping more and I started drinking more coffee, so really, my new found confidence could be attributed to any one of these things, but I'm going to stick to my original argument.

On the outside, the Mommy Wars seem trivial and petty. A bunch of sanctimommies judging each other and arguing over what they think is the best for babies and kids. Breastfeeding vs. formula. Cloth diapers vs. disposable. Like there's no gray area or middle ground...puh-lease. But I feel like if you look a little deeper, what you're more likely to find (in addition to the douche-canoes) is a bunch of mom's that are really passionate about their children and are just trying to do right by them. I think you'll also find a lot of guilt. And let's be honest, mommy guilt SUCKS. It latches on to all our insecurities and sucks us dry, until we're second guessing even the simplest of decisions. I think that for some women, it's the guilt of past decisions that spurs them to action, whatever that may be. And sometimes that action comes out in a way that is helpful and empowering to other mamas and sometimes it's just the opposite. And what may feel enlightening and wonderful to some mamas, may make others feel like utter crap. Like they just can't get it right. And that is what is so difficult about the Mommy Wars. One person's pep talk is another person's judgmental rant and that may be the same mama at two different times during the same day!! Postpartum hormones can be rough.

Parenting is hard enough without feeling like you're being judged for every.single.thing. What we need to be thinking about instead is how best to be supportive of each other's choices, even if they are different from our own and how we come across when we are trying to be helpful. We need to be gentle with one another. As mamas, we alone know how difficult our job is and we need to be mindful of that. Parenting is not all or nothing, us vs. them. It's a fluid, ever-changing beast of a thing full of backpedaling, crazy gray areas, and things you never, ever thought you'd hear yourself say or do. There is strength in numbers. Instead of infighting, we need to be linking arms and saying, "I love you and I'm here for you."

Our goal as parents is the same. We want our babies to grow up happy, healthy, and well-adjusted so that they can do great things with their lives and put us in a good home when we're old and senile. And that's what we need to remember. We're all on the same path, fighting the same fight. So next time you're feeling a little judgy (no judgement here ladies, I get on my mental soapbox ALL the time), just take a minute to think about what that mama might be going through or what could have led her to where she is right now. Think about how you could be helpful without coming across as the mom who NEVER does anything wrong (HA!). Build that mama up, don't knock her down. You'll both come out a lot better in the end.

Mommy War Series: SS Kristi

'Mommy Wars' are basically high school cliques all over again, in our adult years. This is natural and people will always group based on interests and life styles. This does not bother me one bit because of course you will enjoy spending time with someone who shares the same interests. Here is what I do not like about these silly "mommy wars" and my experience with them. For a long time, at least the passed 5 years, I have tried to find a group that I feel like I belong too, or have a lot of common interest. There was always such judgment if you did not 100% believe in what the other moms in the group did.

First group is the Natural Moms aka crunchy moms. This group is typically mothers who cloth diaper, do extended breast feeding, no immunizations, no circumcision, natural birth, organic food, no t.v., a lot of them home school well you get the point. I am a LOT of those things and I am proud I have made those decisions for my family and children. With that being said I am NOT a lot of those things. I quickly realized unless I wanted to give my full self into their lifestyle I was not going to meet real friends nor would I ever meet real friends if I wasn't being 100% me.

Second group, Sports Moms. To me this means moms that are exercise fanatics.  They eat drink and sleep their children's sports, on the paleo diet or any other diet for that matter, cross fit, are always in work out clothes and so on. I am most certainly this mom in a lot of ways. I coach soccer and my kids and I love sports. Here is where I don't fit in, I am the only mom on the field with half sleeved tattoos, I hate dieting, I hate exercise and if we are talking sports, I prefer a beer in hand. So there I sat not really fitting into this mommy group either.

Last, but most certainly not least, The Cool Moms. Oh this group, this group has truly started to change the woman I am becoming and am. This group is the mom that always looks great, ALWAYS! The mom that gets everything from pinterest, that belongs to all the social events, PTO mom, nice car, stays in her entourage of friends at all times and so on and so fourth. You are all thinking of one person that fits this group right now, I know it! Okay, so for years I hated on this mom, couldn't stand how perfect they seemed, COULD NOT figure out why they felt the need to be so dolled up all the time! I want to do PTO but they aren't very welcoming to be honest (that part I still don't like). Okay, so the being dolled up all the time part was one of my biggest things with them. I don't know the reason they are getting dressed up, but I will say a guarantee they feel much better about themselves than I do in basically pjs.

So, I started this new thing, its called giving a shit about my appearance. Crazy I know! I started getting up (not everyday) and putting on a cute outfit, fixing my hair and I went and bought make-up still trial and error with that part but I am learning. I feel so much better through out my day, more energy, way more self confidence and not just frumpy mom. I am not JUST a mom, I am Kristi and I should feel like the beautiful woman I am. Now, I am not saying you need all these things to feel pretty, but it sure helps me. So now instead of looking at these moms and saying UGH. I look at them and compliment their boots, whether it be to myself or to them directly.  I look at them and think, 'oh good hair day girl.  Rock it!'  So thank you "cool moms" for making me find some confidence in myself!

One day I had this brilliant idea after trying to find a place of belonging! I thought, you know what, women need a group that it doesn't matter what type of mom you are. We are women, plain and simple (not simple really but you get it).  We need to unite as women with different beliefs, different lifestyles and a different approach to parenting. We can all learn something from each other and be more well rounded, understanding women. We need to stop trying to "belong" in one group we need to just be us. So, Secret Sisters came about. Lets open it up to everyone, post it in every single mom group on Facebook.  Lets bring all these mommas/women to one spot and see what happens! Absolute amazingness has happened! As different as we all are, we are sisters.  We have been brought together without all the silly stereotypes and become a sisterhood of woman who love, support and learn from each other. Secret Sisters has made me find ME and become the woman I am. I don't feel the need to belong to certain mom groups and conform myself to be just like them. I am still a part of all of the mommy groups in different ways, but I am myself and I am pretty damn happy with that!  Lets all stop this mommy war business and love and respect the women we all are!

Mommy Wars Series: SS Michelle

I know we are all opinionated mommas. However, being a mom is hard work. We are in charge of another person’s life (or 3 lives). This is why we need to stop the judgmental looks and posts and support one another.

I was in Target the other day and my 2 year old was throwing one of her ear piercing tantrums.  Another mom stopped just to say, “It gets better, we have all been there.” It meant so much to me, just to hear that.

We need to have each others backs on this journey of motherhood. We all have opinions on the hot topics. And you know your kid better than the babysitter, your MIL, grandma, the nurse, the random woman at the restaurant. You know how your child learns, what makes them tick, how to get them to sleep, what this tantrum is about. If someone wants your advice, share it. Tell them what worked best for you. However, after having 3 kids what worked best for #1 doesn’t necessarily work at all for #3. Every kid, every family is different.

Mommy Wars Series: Secret Sister Ash Dale

There she is, the mom that seems that she has it all together.  She always looks great, presentable, and her children are always well groomed and well mannered.  I just want to loathe her.  How dare her go out in public and show all of us other moms up?  I got the kids dressed and fed, what else do you want from me?  I deserve a gold star!

This train of thought is what normally destroys a good morning for me.  Why can’t I have it all together and be like her?  How in the world does she get her little girl to sit long enough and have her hair done?  It boggles my mind sometimes.  But then I have to sit back and remember, she may wake up at 5am.  She may do that to have quiet time to herself and get herself ready before her chaos begins.

My Chaos looks a lot like, me hitting snooze at least 3 separate times (after at least two overnight cry sessions with the baby).  Waking up with just enough time to get everyone ready and out the door. “Imagination Movers” on the tv. My 14 month old dancing, and running away from me while roaring like a dinosaur, naked.  He is probably also flapping the diaper he’s supposed to be wearing.  My 3.5 year old ignoring any request I have.  Screaming like a banshee if I even get close to her head of hair. Fighting me because she wants to wear her “comfy pants” or PJs to school, not those scratchy jeans!  Screaming she has to PEE!  But daddy is in the bathroom trying to shave.  My husband running around like mad looking for his boots, his name badge and pens. They are right where he left them on the bookshelf last night and by the door.  All the while, I try to get myself ready. Most of the time it’s a lucky day if I get everyone’s teeth brushed, and shoes on before 730.  Those are the days I play the lottery.  

So sitting her and reflecting on “the mommy wars”, and the “she’s got it all together and flaunting in my face” mentality.  Dang.  I can see where we are all going wrong.  I know I have forgotten the first rule of thumb for me.  “Treat others how you want to be treated.”  PERIOD. Do I want to be treated how I just thought about that mom?  Is she really trying to be more perfect than God himself?  Doubtful. I’m projecting.  I’m projecting all my self loathing onto her.  And that is not fair.  It’s not fair to her, but really it’s not fair to me.  Why do I feel the need to think loathing thoughts on a mom, making her way through the world, just like me.  Yes she may be more stylish have a daughter that sits still to get her hair done.  But it’s not a race.  Man, is it not a race. That Mom deserves more respect than my mind will give to her, and to get any in return, I must show it.  I will treat her how I want to be treated from here on out.  With kindness and love.  It might not be shown back to me, but that’s alright.  If I’m showing them that I love them the way they are, maybe the tired looking soccer mom next car over will start doing the same.  We are all in this together.  It really does take a village to keep yourself sane, and raise your kids.

Maybe I should ask how she does it… And then offer some caffeine, or wine.

Blog Series: 'Mommy Wars'

This week will be a bit different over here at the 'ol SS blog!  We will be doing a series looking at the proverbial 'mommy wars'.  I have asked a few of our secret sisters to write a bit about their take on this topic.  Each day their will be a different post, from a different SS member!  They will be presenting their opinion, experience and perspective on it.

Mommy wars is a term that has become an increasingly popular concept.  I am not sure if I am more aware of it, due to the fact that I now have kiddos, or if the issue has increased.  Either way, it is a hot topic among a variety of mom's group these days.  Here is my personal opinion on the concept of 'mommy wars'.  I do not believe in it.  I think that humans, in general, are innately competitive as well as excessively aware of differences.  We constantly compare and make judgement.  It is a part of who we are to have an opinion, and to process information based off of our own personal experience.  I may have strong feelings regarding a variety of situations, due to circumstances I have experienced throughout my life.  That is OKAY.  That makes me human, and that means I have an emotional memory that is tied to my life choices.  I think 'mommy wars' is a human flaw everyone has, that is a combination of opinion, jealousy, judgement, awareness, personal experience, etc.  It is something that is not specific to motherhood, but rather being alive.  Passing judgement on another mom does not make it a 'mommy war', but rather me being a critical jerk.

With all that being said, I have experienced others misinterpreting my life choices as some form of a play in the 'mommy war'.  I recently read a comment where someone expressed that they secretly hated the mom who was dressed in her skinny jeans, boots and hair styled at school pickup each day.  As I read it, I looked down at my skinny jeans and boots.  I ran my fingers through my straightened hair, and it bothered me.  I didn't like the implication that anyone would feel negatively about the fact that I was ready for my day.  What I wanted to explain to her was that I work full time, and must be presentable for my job.  I also wanted to express that a lot of my personal self confidence comes from me feeling put together.  Someone else implied, in the same conversation, that she must have gotten up hours early to get ready, and that she in some way neglected her children to do this.  It made me sad, and I wanted to explain that I have mastered the 30 minute, bed to out the door, dance.  I stopped myself, and soaked up the fact that I had identified my first real experience with the 'mommy war' I had heard so much about.  I wasn't mad, or defensive, but rather confused.  How did this make someone hate 'that' mom?  Why did it bother them so much.  I just didn't understand it.

I have also been called the 'pinterest mom', which was used in a derogatory way.  Once again, confusion.  I was creating long before pinterest, and although I love to use it as inspiration, it is not in the hopes of one-upping anybody.  I need a creative outlet, and I love challenging myself to make something that I am pleased with.  It has nothing to do with anyone else, and everything to do with personal growth.

My house is messy, I hate folding laundry, I rarely deep clean, but you better believe I won't leave the house without makeup.  I am a total diva, who can be inconsiderate when I am consumed with some selfish project, but I am pretty creative.  I am full of flaws and imperfections, regardless of my insatiable desire to play hostess.

Mommy wars are nothing more then people in general acknowledging differences, having an opinion, and often voicing them when they should not.  It is a combination of insecurity and a lack of information that manifests itself as a wedge among women, or rather among people.

Nobody is above an instinctual judgement, or a unwarranted opinion.  It happens, because we are human.  We just have to bite our tongue and process the thought internally.  Life is tough, so onward and upward with your own battles!  Embrace ridiculous differences that you will never understand or agree with, because it is OKAY!

Mommy Wars are nothing and everything we allow them to be.  Relinquish the power of the invisible battle, and suck up the judgement!!

For Yourself Friday- Keep Calm and Polish On

I began getting my nails done at a salon regularly around 5 years ago.  I enjoy everything about the process, including slipping away for some me time, picking out a new color to fit my mood, and rocking some femininity on my hands (which are waved around incessantly during my expressive chatter!).  I opt to get acrylic, but I know several women who enjoy a simple manicure, shellac, or a good paint job at home.  Whatever your preference is, getting your nails done (or doing them yourself), is a great way to relax and enjoy something just for you.  It is also a way to creatively express yourself in a small way.  Whether you go bold, simple, or elegant, your nails inevitably give some insight into your personality, as well as your current mood!

Last night one of my nails fell of, and every valley girl stereotype was recreated.  I will be making an emergency stop at the salon today, and encourage you to enjoy some nail pampering yourself!  On this For Yourself Friday, join me in making your nails a little extra fabulous!  With spring kick starting, now is the perfect time to try out a new bright color like mint or coral!

This is my current, sad nail truth.  If this is as bad as it gets, I suppose I will be alright :-)

In addition to getting your nails done, I strongly encourage having your husband paint your toe nails. Although I know this an absolute never guna happen situation for many, for others all it takes is a little bit of a puppy dog eye.  Sitting back and allowing your man to jack up your toes (or make them look great, depending on his skills), is super fun regardless of the outcome!  My husband did it while I was pregnant, and although he is pretty bad at it, every now and again I ask him to do it just for fun.  It gives me a laugh, and I love knowing that he will do it for me just because he loves me and I ask.  

Keep Calm and Polish On!!

Do you typically get your nails done?  If you participate in fabbing up your nails on For Yourself Friday, tell us about it!  What color did you choose?  Where did you go?  Was it relaxing?  

-Lindsay

Motivational Monday- Feelings Inventory

In a recent SS discussion the idea of a feelings inventory was brought up.  I do these with clients at work, the kiddos at home, and throughout my days internally.  It is basic, but can have so many benefits.  A feelings inventory is just that.  Taking a brief, yet thoughtful, inventory of your feelings.  Taking a moment to identify what exactly you are feeling, as well as why you are feeling that way, can help you process and manage those feelings.  

Let's stop for a second and acknowledge that, yes, this is completely and utterly cheesy!  Should we sit in a circle, hold hands and sing Kum Ba Yah?  Now that we have hit that truth head on, we can move on to the fact that, regardless of the cheese factor, it is still a kick ass way to get in touch with what's going on up in your head and in your heart!  Moving on...

You may initially think you are feeling angry, only to realize upon further thought, you are actually feeling hurt or dissapointed.  Knowing what exactly you are feeling can help you determine how to manage that feeling, as well as determine if your emotional response to that feeling is appropriate and necessary.  You may be feeling overwhelmed, and realize with some insight that that stress has an easy solution.  Knowing what the feeling truly is, often opens doors to solutions you otherwise woul've overlooked, due to a misinterpretation of feelings.

On this Motivational Monday, I encourage you to take a feelings inventory at some point.  Utilize the moment of self reflection to heighten awareness, revive your positivity, and problem solve through any negative feelings.  

Today is a good day to have a great day!!  

                                                    

How often to you assess your feelings?  Did you take a feelings inventory today?  Was it helpful?  Too cheesy?  Tell us how your feelings inventory was?  What were you feeling??

For Yourself Friday- Wrecking Ball

I'm sure many of you have seen a recent video floating around of a couple singing a song from Frozen.  My instant reaction upon viewing it was, how the heck did this go viral?  My husband and I do this ALL the time.  Is that out of the ordinary?  Doesn't everybody rock out in the car, make alternative lyrics, have crazy voices, and have photo documentation of it all?  I just happened to have a video of us doing Wrecking Ball a few months back.  It was recorded and sent, in an attempt to cheer up a fellow SS (admin Kristi).

Laughter is the best medicine, and where you can't find it, create it!  On this For Yourself Friday, I encourage you all to let it all out.  Make fun of yourself, get goofy, and don't worry what anyone else thinks!!

What will you do to create laughter this weekend?  Did you rock out in the car?  Ugly picture war?  Dance off?  Let us know what you do to spread the giggles!!  

Guest Blogger- BBQ Chickyyyyy with SS Ash

BBQ Chicken in a crockpot. Yum!!

This has become a fast favorite for my family. So simple and easy to make (I am kicking myself for not making this a lot sooner!). All you need is a crockpot, chicken breasts and your favorite BBQ sauce. I will also suggest some crockpot liners, they are a lifesaver!

First gather your ingredients:

4-5 skinless, boneless chicken breasts (I use frozen)

1 12oz bottle of your fave BBQ sauce

2 Tbsp of brown sugar (optional)

1/2 Cup Water


Mix everything but the chicken together, until well blended. Add frozen chicken, just make sure they all get some sauce on them, even if they are not immersed right away. They will be later once they have thawed. Crank up the heat on the crockpot to high for 2-3 hours. Want to cook it slower? Put it on low for 5-7 hours.

After the chicken is cooked through, you can either remove it from the crockpot to shred, or if you are skilled at shredding while in the crockpot, do that. I always seem to tear the liner when I shred it in the crockpot. Put chicken back into crockpot, and make sure to stir, getting all the yummy sauce throughout the chicken.

Grab your most favorite buns (mine are gluten free), pile the BBQ chicky high, and enjoy!!

-Ash

Motivational Monday- Vent Reduction

We all love a good vent sesh.  It can feel so freeing to release pent up stress, and let it all hang out.  At times it is therapeutic, but it can also be taxing.  Venting is often a facade for complaining, and we need to be able to halt an unnecessary 'vent' session that can hinder our ability to maintain positivity.  Life is hard. Period.  Now that we have gotten that simple reality out of the way, lets reevaluate our need for any venting on this Motivational Monday.

As we kick start a new week, lets work to minimize the whining venting, and sing through it all.  

How often do you find yourself venting throughout an average week?  Do you find it therapeutic, or can it hinder your positivity?  Let us know if you work to reduce your venting, and how it feels!  Was it hard?  Did it have a positive impact?  

-Lindsay

For Yourself Friday- Permission

As I prepared for jury duty this morning, I found my mind conflicted on where I should be focusing my energy.  I was feeling a heavy heart, overwhelmed senses, and stress regarding what my blog post would be.  I stopped myself and realized, some stress is self inflicted and should not be a priority.  This blog, while I enjoy each and every post I am privileged to write, should not be a sense of stress for me.  On days like today, it is okay to focus on more important tasks at hand.

On this 'For Yourself Friday', I want you to give yourself permission to focus on something other then unecessary stress.  While some stress is essential to ensure we fulfill responsibilities, other stress can be revisited at a later time.  That unecessary stress has no right to ruin this fabulous Friday!! Whatever stress you are facing, give yourself a temporary freebie. Whether it be for an hour, a day, or the entire weekend, do it for yourself and your sanity! Identify the stress you are feeling, no matter how large or small, and determine its priority within your day.  

                        

TGIF, ladies!! Enjoy the sunny days heading our way!!

-Lindsay 

Motivational Monday- Shake It Off

Last week we decided to begin our lyric wall.  I wanted to paint the lyrics from Crosby Stills and Nash's, 'Our House' on our living room wall from top to bottom.  It had graced my to do list for over a year and I was ready to take the plunge.

I wanted the imperfections of words scribbled in a journal, but not so much it looked overly sloppy.  We taped off lines and I jumped in, writing out the words with a pencil, the hub then going over it with paint.  I knew within one line it was disastrous.  I tried to warn the hub that I already knew I would hate it, but he insisted we continue on, in the hopes it would all come together in the end.

As you can see from the final photo (above right) my hatred for the wall won out and we repainted the wall.   

With that being said, we will be tackling this wall again, more optimistic then ever! We will learn from the experience and cross our fingers that the second time is more successful.  

Sometimes, we just have to shake it off.  Shake off the feeling of failure or inadequacy, in the hopes that the process made us more capable for the next time around.  Shake off the irritability from having to start over and spend more time and energy than we had originally planned for.  Shake off the lack of motivation, and kick ourselves in the ass, to finish what we have already started.  

On this Motivational Monday, shake off whatever may be keeping you from making this day your own!  Shake it off, and know all things can be better then ever!