I can honestly say that all the work that I have done with women; peer circles, rites of passage, teen counseling, retreats, bodywork, etc, have all been an attempt to recreate the relationship I wanted to have with my Mother. Every laugh I share, every hand I hold, every tear I cry, I would rather do with my own Mother than with anyone else. I mourn every day for the relationship I never had and I want desperately to ensure that other girls and women don't mourn the same thing. I want every woman to have at least one connection - one beautiful, non-judgmental, openhearted and all loving woman-to-woman relationship to call Home.
But sometimes, self-realization and self-healing only come at the end of a hard trail, and sometimes we can't have the future we want without dealing with the ghosts of the past. In order to heal our own soul-hurt, from relationship failings of the past, we must accept what happened and approach it with peace.
So I have an exercise for you.
I want you to think about YOUR mother. Really. Find a safe place where you can be for a few minutes, relax your body and mind, and think about all the crap you hated about growing up and all the ups and downs of your relationship with your mother. I want you to dredge it all up. Every mean word - every unfair action - everything that has been keeping you from feeling safe in your Mother-relationship. Pull out a box of tissues and a chocolate bar and really give yourself a chance to recognize what you have been through as a woman. Body issues, misunderstandings, secrecy, abuse - dredge it all up.
And while you're doing this - know in the back of your mind that I'm thinking about you and holding you close in my mind.
I love you. I support you. I honor you. If I were with you now I would kiss you and tell you how perfect and amazing you are. And I would mean it.
Take a deep cleansing breathe. In through the nose. Hold. Out through the mouth. Good.
Now, the hard part is over. You've faced your demons - now I want you to put yourself in your Mother's shoes. They may not fit well at first - but try.
Think about what you know about your Mother's past. Was she planning a pregnancy? What kind of family did she come from? Did she have money or was she poor? Did she marry for love or need? Was she a single mother, at a time when that was a black-mark of the highest degree? Was she accepted by her family, or the blacksheep? Did she have a problem with addiction, and if so, how did it begin? Was she abused? Was she alone?
What were the common parenting beliefs from when she was a Mother? Were children meant to be seen and not heard? Were switches and spankings prevalent? Was letting a baby cry-it-out (CIO) a way to make them healthier? Did she work, or have to take care of other children to get by? Did she have parents or other family members to see to?
Imagine all these things and try to think about how it must have been to be a Mother at that time. Try to sift through all your knowledge of your Mother to find one particular kernel of truth: that many times we do the best we can and it is still not enough, but we tried.
As our world knowledge of things has changed, as political climates and compassion have changed, as we as a people have changed, our parenting as a whole has become softer and more peaceful. It is natural that those from a prior generation remember the hardness of their foremothers - and it is natural to resent it - but we need to acknowledge that we live in different times and that we cannot know for certain what our behaviors would have been in the past.
I am not asking you to forgive your Mother, for whatever may have occurred, I'm asking you to see her as a Woman and a Mother - rather than just as Your mother.
I'll admit, my mother and I only agree on what color the sky is, and that's when she's not being purposely difficult. But this little exercise has forced me to some hard truths. My mother is hard as nails. She grew up poorer than I can even fathom, in a terrible town, and was plagued with abuses that I care not to think of. She bore two children, despite huge issues with carrying and laboring, and she provided for us in every way that she could. She always put us first and we wanted for nothing. She gave us the life she never had - literally. And if she over-emphasized marriage to a wealthy man, and under-emphasized education and travel, then it's because that is how she was raised and how she was ultimately able to provide for her children, not because she doesn't appreciate women in the workplace. If she rails at me for letting my husband stay home with the kids, then it's because in her time the only dads who did this were alcoholics or abusers who weren't working and might be up to no good during the day. If she is mentally unstable and behaves uncontrollably, it could be that her fear of diagnosis is deeply rooted in a prior-generation when "crazy" landed you in a facility, rather than getting you a prescription for medicine that could help.
I still argue with my mom. I still tell people we have a love-hate relationship. But I appreciate and honor her as a Mother. As a result, I also appreciate and honor the other mothers in my life, as Mothers.
We don't know what hardships or issues others have gone through. You can't look at a woman in a grocery store and know that in the morning it's all she can do to force herself out of bed to take care of her baby. You can't listen in on the minivan next to you and hear the phone call that woman is getting to tell her that her medical insurance and food benefits have been cancelled because her part-time income is too high to qualify. You don't know about the looks and sneers that that Mom has gotten all day from childless individuals and couples, for daring to bring children out to a public place and allowing them to act like children. No matter how much you know what they've been through, you don't really KNOW.
So, try to have empathy with the other Mothers in your life. Your Mother, My Mother, all Mothers. It isn't easy, and with mass media and big business working hard to convince us that all we need is one more baby product or gadget to make child-rearing amazingly simple, it's also easy to judge each other. Instead, we need to HONOR each other.
I see you. I Honor you. I Love you.
-SS Tabitha
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