For Yourself Friday- Inner Critic

My mother was a stay at home mom, and a kick ass one at that.  She did it ALL and did it with more energy and spunk then any other mother I knew.  I loved and love my mom, and admire her in many ways.  She is a friend and confidante, and I am forever grateful I was blessed with such a quirky, unique, and flavored mother.

Now I will shift a bit to the fact that my mom is plagued with something many of us struggle with, extreme low self esteem.  She is her own worst critic, and boy is she harsh.  Due to this, she has spent her entire life on yo yo diets, often telling complete strangers how badly she needs to lose weight.  I remember being mortified as the barista would ask her if she would like to add a muffin to her coffee order (simply as her job instructs her to ask), and my mother would start some humiliating dialogue regarding the fact that the last thing she needs is a muffin, and she needs so badly to lose weight, blah blah blah.  As a young girl these type of situations were embarrassing, as well as confusing.  Why did she hate her body so much? It looked just fine to me.  Why did she feel the need to talk about herself in such a negative way, and should I feel the same way about myself?  

Throughout the years she avoided pictures, and what few pictures were captured are tainted by her critique of how awful she looks.  Many of the pictures did look awful, but not because of her 'overweight' body or 'ugly' smile (both things I do not agree with or believe in the slightest).  The photos came out bad because you could read her discomfort and self confidence in her body language.  You could see it in her posture, her smile, and within her insecure eyes.  

We recently got into a minor argument regarding this very thing.  She was talking about her latest attempts to lose weight and diet, once again.  This came on the coattails of news of a severe asthma attack my dad had just experienced.  I was overwhelmed, scared and still processing that situation.  I was in no position to discuss her diet, and I let her have it.  I told her that her children, and now her grandchildren, would not remember her being 'overweight' or 'ugly' but they would remember that she is in no pictures.  I told her that I would remember how often she droned on and on about her awful body, and that those conversations would be my memories, not what she physically looked like.  I told her we would all remember how much she hated her body, but we wouldn't really remember what her body actually looked like, because that is not what matters to us.  This upset her, understandably, and I felt awful.  It was not how I wanted the conversation to go, but I wanted her to understand that we all love her for her tight hugs and silly dance moves.  We love her for things that go so much deeper then what she sees in the mirror.  The argument was brief and has since passed.  It is a topic that she will continue to bring up, and I will continue to listen and try to validate her feelings, but continue to remind her how much I love her for so much more.   

I am far from innocent of being my own worst critic.  I want to look good and feel good, and I often put too much weight into how I look physically.  I am well aware of this, and work on it daily.  I know that the people who care for me most will remember the way I made them feel, not the way I looked.  

On this 'For Yourself Friday' I want you to ask those closest to you what they love about your body.  I want you to ask this very question to your husband and your kiddos, and I want you to LISTEN to what they have to say.  Really hear their words, and understand exactly what they mean.  

Then, I want you to BELIEVE what they are saying.  That does not mean you have to love the same thing, but you  need to TRUST that they do really love that about you.  Do not criticize whatever they tell you, or dispute it.  If your husband tells you he loves your derriere, do not contest that in your mind or roll your eyes, thinking about how much you hate it.  Do not think about how much it may have changed, or how perky it was before kiddos.  Believe that this man that you love, is telling you what he loves about your body.  Your toddler may tell you they love your smooshy belly.  Do you love your post baby belly?  Probably not, but you must BELIEVE that they love that.  

Lastly, I want you to LOVE that they LOVE that about your body.  You may despise your 'smooshy' post baby belly, but it is amazing that your child loves it.  It is what your loved ones see, and feel and embrace.  It is what will remain, ingrained in their minds when you are no longer here.  Believe these things coming from the ones you love, and love that they love it about you.  Allow them to love these things without contest.  

We are our own worst critic, but it is important that we give ourselves a break every once in awhile.  

We are surrounded by those that love and adore us.  Allow them to drowned out the overwhelming noise of our inner critic.
-Lindsay

Guest Blogger: 'Fill Your Cup' with Amber P

Have you ever met someone and instantly known you would be friends forever? And before you even get to those deep places that long term friendships require, you know that you could call them ugly crying at 4 am and that they would not only listen, but would drive to a 24 hour Walgreens, pick up an emergency carton of Ben and Jerry’s and knock on your door while cradling the cell phone, ice cream and whatever left over alcohol she had just laying around? The type of someone that even though they move to a completely different time zone and work schedules require more text conversations than actual phone interactions, you hop on a 3:30 am flight shaking with excitement and when you land she is wearing the exact same outfit you are and you just look at each other with tear lined eyes and laugh? That. That, my friend, is the true sign of someone who fills your cup. Someone who fills a void in you that keeps you going.

My best friend and I met in 2007. We picked each other up in a bar on a “best friend blind date” as we like to call it. She was moving to Memphis for her Music Therapy internship and was close friends with one of my husband and my best friends. We only lived in the same location for a year, but those short twelve months solidified us in each other’s lives forever. She would drive 7 hours the day I went into labor with my oldest daughter to be one of the first to hold her. I would arrive on her doorstep in Atlanta with my husband and 8 month old just because I missed her face and needed to hug her. I would be where she would run at the end of a long term relationship because I was home to her and she was safe to heal under my roof for as long as that healing required.

This weekend was much needed on both of our ends. Her thirtieth birthday is this week and she is working through the necessary emotions that the change of decades requires. I am knee deep in working mommy hood and on the verge of opening a new business. Things are crazy, chaotic, stressful and leaving us both feeling defeated and deflated. We decided months ago that I would take this trip solo. To find my me-ness I had to be alone, to rediscover the me I am without the responsibilities of being a Mommy, wife, and employee. The second I got off the plane and saw her face I began to feel myself bubbling back to the surface. There are people in your life who just do that. People who your soul immediately recognizes and thanks you for being near. People who know you so much better than you know yourself and can remind you with only a hug of the perfect tightness. 

We spent the first day walking the beach discovering little secret sections free from the throngs of usual tourists and beachcombers. We walked along a beach path catching up on surface level stuff and laughing about this memory or that new development. We found a sunny patch, laid our blanket down, pulled out our airplane bottles and went to work. Alcohol, music, and an incredible best friend is really all a girl needs in life, of this I am sure.

I am not great about venting, about letting everything out and allowing people to peak behind my sunny disposition. I just never have been that girl. I hate troubling anyone else with my “petty” problems. I’m a fixer first and foremost. I enjoy my role in life and hate the idea of forgoing that roll and being the fixee instead. My problem here in this relationship is that this little piece of my personality doesn’t faze my best friend one bit. Bitch seriously took a vow of silence until I cried. Literally. She would not speak a word until I was crying. And we aren’t talking single tear Lauren Conrad style, but like ugly puffy face hyperventilating crying. Who does that?!?!?!! My best friend does that. Because she knows me. She knows that I would rather listen to your problems and help find solutions or just let you vent than trouble you with my own. And she knows that if she gives me even a little room I’ll swing off the topic of me so fast we won’t even realize the subject changed until we’re too deep. So she sat there. Quiet. Listening to me. Sometimes I would stop and we’d listen to the music and the waves and the silence. But then I would start again, going deeper and deeper to the roots of my stress. She listened. She sat quietly only with a head nod here and half smile there.  And finally, the tears came and the truth laid out in front of us. The fear, the stress, it all tumbled out. And there I was. Just that easy, she’d found me again. The freedom that came from that release and the conversations that followed was palpable. By the time we got back to the car I felt lighter, laughed harder and felt more full of life and love than I had in weeks.  The weekend that followed was a whirlwind of laughter and love and joy and peace. My cup was full.

These tough love moments are not unique to my friendship. You have them too. You were probably reading this thinking about her (or him or them). And maybe you haven’t been in the same location lately. And maybe you are feeling like you aren’t the same woman you were before kids or school or other friends beat you down. Maybe you are feeling like you have nothing left to give, that your cup is empty. Go to your person. Go to the person who reminds you of who you are, who you were, and who you are yet to be. Physically. Take a week, or a weekend, or a day, or an hour and just go. Maybe you are lucky and that person is just up the street, or, maybe you have to board a flight and endure the stinky person next to you in coach who decided that yes, that breakfast burrito will be fabulous at 3:30 in the morning, (you’re welcome US Airways flight 2724!) but go. Yes, it is hard to break away. Yes, it is hard to scrape together the money. Yes, it is hard. But you know what? It’s worth it. YOU are worth it.  That girl who smiled so freely before circumstances changed is still there inside of you, and she is worth it too. Go. Fill your cup.

-SS Amber P

Motivational Monday- Fake It

Everyone has those days where they just aren't feeling it.  It could be your overflowing laundry pile, your awful coworker, or your ornery toddler.  Whatever the reason may be, everything is not always peachy keen, and that is OKAY!  With that being said, sometimes you gotta fake it till you make it.The energy we emit into the universe, comes back and is returned to us in a variety of ways.  If we exude negativity, negativity will be returned to us.  It can create a vicious matrix of pessimism, that we are unable to escape.  To avoid this awful spiral we must intentionally and effort-fully stop it!

When I find myself sulking in negativity, I often remind myself that if I think like crap, I WILL feel like crap.  On occasion I have to 'fake' it, or rather convince myself that today is kick ass, and I am kick ass, even if I don't necessarily believe it. 

 Put forth a conscious effort into creating the day, the feeling, and the existence you REQUIRE for this life you were blessed with!!  

-Lindsay

  

For Yourself Friday- Swept Away

I'm sure many, if not all of you, have been exposed to the world of Pinterest.  It is straight forward, and fairly basic, but I have come to discover can be used in a variety of ways.  Everyone I know has different intentions and styles when approaching Pinterest.  I have narrowed it down to the following Pinterest Styles:

1.  The Window Shopper:  This person looks at Pinterest...alot...but does not pin much, if anything.
2.  Bipolar Barbara:  This person pins the least healthy recipes that exist within this universe, coupled with highly motivational workout shiz.
3.  Get In, Get Out:  This person is equivalent to the get in and get out shopper.  They know exactly what they are looking for, pin it, and get the heck out.  They may be planning a specific event, but they do not peruse much of anything else.
4.  Hoarder Hayley:  This person pins anything and everything that catches their eye in the slightest, with no intention of ever following through.
5.  Craft it Carol:  This is the doer, who pins the recipes and crafts and then follows through.

The final Pinterest Style I have is what I want you ladies to try on this 'For Yourself Friday'!  I like to call it the Swept Away Swooner.  It is when you utilize the search bar to create an oasis on your screen to get lost in.  Some of you may already do this, but from what I am hearing, this is not as common as I would've thought.  I choose words that return results that I can swoon over, and get lost in.  It is not in the intention of pinning, creating, planning, motivating, etc.  My sole purpose is to be swept off my feet, and taken away to another world.  My go to search words are :

Gypsy Soul 

Ethereal:

Bohemian

It may take a bit of time determining which words render the best results, but play around with it and see which words take you away.  Figure out what feeling you are looking to solicit, and tap into that!  Get lost in an enchanted forest, walk on a sandy beach with your toes in the sand, or jump from the highest of waterfalls! 

Are you alrelady a Swept Away Swooner?  If so, what are your go-to search words?  If this is your first time trying this approach, what words did you try out, and which were the best?  Did you like this Pinterest Style?  LET.US.KNOW!!

Lindsay

Guest Blogger- Mama Talk With Tabitha

There are few topics that I've ever had as much trouble speaking about as that of my Mother. Whenever directly confronted or asked about our relationship, I fall back on humor or change the subject, or both. Something like "Well, you know how everyone says their Mom is crazy? My mom is actually crazy." or "I told my husband my Mom was crazy - but I don't think he believed me 'till she tried to hit him with that car". Awkward laughter, followed by a quick change of subject, typically follows.

I can honestly say that all the work that I have done with women; peer circles, rites of passage, teen counseling, retreats, bodywork, etc, have all been an attempt to recreate the relationship I wanted to have with my Mother. Every laugh I share, every hand I hold, every tear I cry, I would rather do with my own Mother than with anyone else. I mourn every day for the relationship I never had and I want desperately to ensure that other girls and women don't mourn the same thing. I want every woman to have at least one connection - one beautiful, non-judgmental, openhearted and all loving woman-to-woman relationship to call Home.

But sometimes, self-realization and self-healing only come at the end of a hard trail, and sometimes we can't have the future we want without dealing with the ghosts of the past. In order to heal our own soul-hurt, from relationship failings of the past, we must accept what happened and approach it with peace.

So I have an exercise for you.

I want you to think about YOUR mother. Really. Find a safe place where you can be for a few minutes, relax your body and mind, and think about all the crap you hated about growing up and all the ups and downs of your relationship with your mother. I want you to dredge it all up. Every mean word - every unfair action - everything that has been keeping you from feeling safe in your Mother-relationship. Pull out a box of tissues and a chocolate bar and really give yourself a chance to recognize what you have been through as a woman. Body issues, misunderstandings, secrecy, abuse - dredge it all up.

And while you're doing this - know in the back of your mind that I'm thinking about you and holding you close in my mind.

I love you. I support you. I honor you. If I were with you now I would kiss you and tell you how perfect and amazing you are. And I would mean it.

Take a deep cleansing breathe. In through the nose. Hold. Out through the mouth. Good.

Now, the hard part is over. You've faced your demons - now I want you to put yourself in your Mother's shoes. They may not fit well at first - but try.

Think about what you know about your Mother's past. Was she planning a pregnancy? What kind of family did she come from? Did she have money or was she poor? Did she marry for love or need? Was she a single mother, at a time when that was a black-mark of the highest degree? Was she accepted by her family, or the blacksheep? Did she have a problem with addiction, and if so, how did it begin? Was she abused? Was she alone?

What were the common parenting beliefs from when she was a Mother? Were children meant to be seen and not heard? Were switches and spankings prevalent? Was letting a baby cry-it-out (CIO) a way to make them healthier? Did she work, or have to take care of other children to get by? Did she have parents or other family members to see to?

Imagine all these things and try to think about how it must have been to be a Mother at that time. Try to sift through all your knowledge of your Mother to find one particular kernel of truth: that many times we do the best we can and it is still not enough, but we tried.

As our world knowledge of things has changed, as political climates and compassion have changed, as we as a people have changed, our parenting as a whole has become softer and more peaceful. It is natural that those from a prior generation remember the hardness of their foremothers - and it is natural to resent it - but we need to acknowledge that we live in different times and that we cannot know for certain what our behaviors would have been in the past.

I am not asking you to forgive your Mother, for whatever may have occurred, I'm asking you to see her as a Woman and a Mother - rather than just as Your mother.

I'll admit, my mother and I only agree on what color the sky is, and that's when she's not being purposely difficult. But this little exercise has forced me to some hard truths. My mother is hard as nails. She grew up poorer than I can even fathom, in a terrible town, and was plagued with abuses that I care not to think of. She bore two children, despite huge issues with carrying and laboring, and she provided for us in every way that she could. She always put us first and we wanted for nothing. She gave us the life she never had - literally. And if she over-emphasized marriage to a wealthy man, and under-emphasized education and travel, then it's because that is how she was raised and how she was ultimately able to provide for her children, not because she doesn't appreciate women in the workplace. If she rails at me for letting my husband stay home with the kids, then it's because in her time the only dads who did this were alcoholics or abusers who weren't working and might be up to no good during the day. If she is mentally unstable and behaves uncontrollably, it could be that her fear of diagnosis is deeply rooted in a prior-generation when "crazy" landed you in a facility, rather than getting you a prescription for medicine that could help.

I still argue with my mom. I still tell people we have a love-hate relationship. But I appreciate and honor her as a Mother. As a result, I also appreciate and honor the other mothers in my life, as Mothers.

We don't know what hardships or issues others have gone through. You can't look at a woman in a grocery store and know that in the morning it's all she can do to force herself out of bed to take care of her baby. You can't listen in on the minivan next to you and hear the phone call that woman is getting to tell her that her medical insurance and food benefits have been cancelled because her part-time income is too high to qualify. You don't know about the looks and sneers that that Mom has gotten all day from childless individuals and couples, for daring to bring children out to a public place and allowing them to act like children. No matter how much you know what they've been through, you don't really KNOW.

So, try to have empathy with the other Mothers in your life. Your Mother, My Mother, all Mothers. It isn't easy, and with mass media and big business working hard to convince us that all we need is one more baby product or gadget to make child-rearing amazingly simple, it's also easy to judge each other. Instead, we need to HONOR each other.

I see you. I Honor you. I Love you.

-SS Tabitha

Motivational Monday- Weakest Link

You're only as strong as your weakest link, is often used when referring to the synchronization of a team. Think of your own self as a team. A well oiled machine that, under the best of circumstances can conduct itself as a Cirque De Soleil performance. Whatever our 'weakest' link may be, we must ensure our strengths lift up that aspect and nurse it to fruition. If we look at our whole self, there is nothing expendable, but rather areas longing for some TLC from the rest of the machine. Reassess your perceived weakness as an area your fortunate enough to care for and improve. Embrace whatever challenge you are facing as an opportunity to grow and synchronize your inner machine. It is all about perception, and realizing we are only as strong as our weakest link,which isn't weak at all!

Guest Blogger: UnValentine's Day

February 14th, a day many people hate.  A Day of pictures being posted to social media, “look what I got!”  “Isn’t my (insert bf/gf/so here) the greatest/sweetest/best?”  I am one of those who don’t look forward to this day.  It is just another day for me.  Wait, you’re married aren’t you? Yep.  Wait, you have kids don’t you?  Yep.  But to me showing love and appreciation for my loved ones is an all year around type thing.  I don’t just shower them with love on Vday.  Yeah they will get something, but they get special treats several times a month.  Went a whole week without having any kind of potty emergency or accident?!  ICE CREAM!  Mossy started walking? New baby gates! (which let's face it, that’s for us, his parents, not for him. ha!)  My point is, don’t just show people who you love, not talking just family here, that you love them on one day a year.  Reach out to others and show them every chance you get.  I am challenging myself, as well as you to show your love more in everything you do.  

Tonight I am going to make sure my little girl and I do something special together.  Maybe do a craft, or make her most favorite dinner. I want to make sure she is aware of my love for her, by being there for her.

Tell me how you are going to challenge yourself.  I can’t wait to hear!

-Ash